How to share parenting duties - with Tina Rudolf
A mom, life coach, artist, and founder of Strange Beauty
Gender stereotype and parenting duties: how to fight them and build a healthy environment in your family?
That all goes back to who you are, what you genuinely want. In some cases, women want to do these duties and don't want to share them. Create space for yourself, so you can hear what you want.
Ask your partner what he or she authentically wants. The problem is not about fighting against social norms or gender roles but about connecting to who you are and creating a safe space with your partner to dialogue about that.
What if partners have different approaches to child upbringing?
- Know yourself and know what you want. Then have these conversations with the partner to see if that is possible for the both of you. You both need to want the same thing.
- Be a team. You are generating and cultivating the environment that comes from your relationship. If you two aren't on the same page - everything starts to fall apart a little bit.
- Have a different approach to dealing with your kids not sitting at the dinner table or being a picky eater. However, you have to have the same plan.
- Some conversations are complicated, but both of you have the same values. What makes you feel so different is the lack of understanding, listening, and communication.
- Listen to the other person in a way that you're processing what they're saying, feeling, and thinking. Physical, emotional, spiritual integrity is the key to having a solid source or a relationship.
There's a trick; it is called the three grumble rule. If you grumble about something three or more times, you probably need a redesign or talk about it.
Partner helps, but everything goes wrong.
How to give feedback but not offend him or her?
You think that your partner is not doing it right, and you want to react, but the impact is that he or she will feel a lack of trust and a lack of faith. Stop for a moment, follow that inner dialogue. Sometimes these negative emotions are about other issues. Suppose you're not clear about where these emotions are coming from. In that case, they will come out sideways, and you will be fighting about diapers when there's another reason.
How to give somebody control over a situation if you’re a control freak?
Ask yourself if you are in your real mission or your default mission. Your real mission is to have a beautiful, bonded, intimate relationship with your partner, where you feel empowered.
The default mission is you want to be in control of everything. However, when you're in control of everything, you're honoring your default mission.
Planning and starting a difficult conversation.
Some steps to help you to go through it smoothly:
- Schedule a time to feel safe, and no one feels like the storm is coming.
- Express what you are truly communicating.
- Describe how you feel.
- Allow your partner to express his/her point of view.
- Hear your partner's reaction.
- Validate back and analyze what you heard.
How to give enough attention not only to the babies but to your partner as well?
- Decide what you need to feel productive, whether it is a full-time or part-time, or combined schedule.
- Negotiate that with your partner to find a suitable schedule.
- Draw a calendar for a week.
- Think about outer help: maybe kids can play with grandma for a couple of hours.
Plan some activities with your partner so that you feel connected. For that to happen,
there have to be some rules.
What if parenting is putting a strain on the relationship?
If you're not feeling intimate with your husband, there's a reason. Find the problem to be able to solve it.
- Write down all of the grumbles you complain about.
- Take a look at it. Cross off grumbles that are not important for you.
- If you don't cross it, there can be some issues you need to talk about with your partner.
- Make an honest list of four or five things, depending on how little maintenance you've been keeping.
- Pick one and have that difficult conversation.
Always have a plan after a conversation. If you don't have it, this will happen over and over again.
Your TOP TIP on how to be sure you are doing great with family duties?
Build a solid relationship with yourself, whether it's your skincare routine or meditation. If you don't know how you're doing and feeling, the rest of the day is a simple reaction.